I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
