Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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