Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
