Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
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I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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