I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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