Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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