when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
