so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
