I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
