But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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