Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
