why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
