there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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