She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I smell like Dick and happiness
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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