My liver just broke up with me...
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
