I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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