ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i was born a porn star she said
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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