So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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