I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
