And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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