I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
