before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
