Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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