I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
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