I wish life had little blips of pornography
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
where are you?
Hypothermia
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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