i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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