I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
