maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
