tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
