On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
