I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
