the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
