my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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