That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
