oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
