i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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