I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
