just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
