my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
