We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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