a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Never joke about your clitoris.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
