Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
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If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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