I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
