i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Randomize
