1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
