It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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