if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just pynch a tree in the face
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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