you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
