how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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