where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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