I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
