That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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