the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
don't judge my taste in strippers
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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