I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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