I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
