a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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