Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
